Child Support

Federico

New member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
16
Hi.
I have been struggling with this issue and would like to hear other men's opinnions.
I am not focusing on the legal aspects, but in the moral or internal ones.
After paying for 5 years for both my children and my ex wife's needs -she didnt work-, I am now in a position in which I can't afford paying any more.
I have my kids 12 days a month. I feel very bad for not being able to provide tons of money, but the fact is I need to have my own place and confort for when they are with me.
I decided to withold payments and when better times arrive, pay for what the court decides its owed.
It is really killing me, but I dont see other solution.
Needless to say, not giving money to their mother is not well seen, even by people on my side.
Thanks!
 

lenox

Caveman lenox
Staff member
Joined
Mar 11, 2019
Messages
135
Damn this is a tough situation.

I hear you. I can't relate since I don't have a family or have ever been in this sitauation.

1— "Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear." - Maximus in the movie Gladiator. It's true though, this too shall pass. I know this to be especially true because you're here to learn what to do to make changes so you no longer feel defeated. Awesome.

2— Your problem is low-income. That's it. Don't make it bigger than that. Now focus on earning more per month both to reduce the stress of this problem AND improve your life overall. What are you doing for income now? How much time and energy do you have to invest in a side hustle and/or getting a better job or starting a business? We can dive into this deeper when you post a thread in the Business section: https://alpha20community.com/index.php?forums/alpha-2-0-businesses.2/

2— Do the opposite of what you're doing. You're focused on the "moral and internal" concerns. This situation sucks, and that's OK. But your feeling bad needs to fuel you not drag you down brother. Focus on the legal aspects instead. Make this real and tangible. You owe someone money that you don't have... yet. That means you've done all that you can so far. So now you'll have to learn new things to put more money in your pocket. Make this fact clear and plan to all the legal parties that need to know. Be upfront, while also stating taht you're making the necessary changes to earn more and fufill your legal duties. That's all this is a simple accounting issue.

I'm not saying the system will understand, but at least you'll have peace of mind and go back to what really matters is #1 and #2.

3— Assuming you respect children, they will respect and adore you too. You see your children when you can and you feed, clothe, teach, and lead them. Continue being the leadership they need because I KNOW they aren't getting it from their mother. They'll respect all that you do if you only manage what matters— Your focused TIME with them.

Take note I mean focused, not over-parenting. Your role as Dad is to teach your children how to navigate the world much like BDs work teaches you to navigate the world. You don't have to baby or take care of all their other needs, this is the mother's role.For more on this, I recommend Unchained Man. Yes you'll spend a few bucks that you don't think you can afford to spend, but I assure you, it's worth it brother for the longterm guidance you want. https://www.alphamalebook.com/sales

4— Use this space as a resource, which includes messaging me privately. However you'll get more assurance with the whole forum giving feedback. I highly recommend the BD blogs, mainly BlackDragonBlog.com with his many articles on divorce https://blackdragonblog.com/category/marriage-and-divorce/

Post threads on how to make more money, and I and others will help you figure it out within the next 30 days. Add threads about how to cope with your X, and we'll guide you through it too.

This is what we do, and with no lame, BS advice that won't actually serve you.

You have all that you need, and are already doing most of the work.

Let's get you to the other side of this chapter in your life.

5—Finally, you won't die. Divorces suck. Child support sucks. Alimony sucks. Starting over sucks. Trust me I know I'm doing it for the 3rd time and I'm only in my 30s.

Thing is you won't die from this ordeal. It's not as bad as you think and feel right now. Keep this in mind and focus on the immediate relevant things you can do during any given waking hour to improve your financial situation and improve your live overall.


Oh and again... I am not a lawyer. Never been divorced. Don't have kds. My above advice is what I'd give any man with a problem mainly focus on what you can control and ignore the rest.
 

Federico

New member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
16
Thank you for your time writing all this. I own the AM 2.0 book and audio book and soon as I can I will be parte of the programa.
I will narrow my question a bit:
Local law doesnt send me to jail for not paying. Just confiscates whatever I own, which Is nothing.
I was a succesful freelancer and hope will be again soon. Divorce and child custody ruined my will to work.

Now, the moral question is:

Should I wait until I can afford it and finance myself by witholding child support, in order to maintain am acceptable way of living for me and the kids? The interest rate is the same as a regular loan.
 

lenox

Caveman lenox
Staff member
Joined
Mar 11, 2019
Messages
135
You can't squeeze water from a rock.

No money to give, then you don't send it.

If you have it to pay, you pay it.

If not, whatever money you do have goes to building yourself up so you can reliably earn it and never be in this station again. This is your moral imperative.

This is more so your biological imperative since you cannot take care of any responsibilities until you take care of yourself first.

For you that means eating well, getting sleep, hydrating, and exercising. Then you put whatever energy you have leftover to freelance work that will put money in your pocket this week/month.

There is no "hope this works out". Only: do til it happens.

There is no good or bad, just opportunities you use to your advantage (or not).
 

Federico

New member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
16
VERY enlightningh, helpful, supportive, encouraging and sensible words.
Thanks
 

C Lo

New member
Joined
Aug 6, 2019
Messages
4
My condolences on your situation. It really sucks, and I know you are doing everything you can.

I decided to withold payments and when better times arrive, pay for what the court decides its owed.
Depending on your jurisdiction, this might be okay or this might be a HORRIBLE idea. I'd consult local legal council ASAP before you get sanctioned by the court. You always want to be in front of this sort of issue no matter where you are.

It is really killing me, but I dont see other solution.
All the more reason to get in front of it. BTW your ex needs to get a job pronto.

Try and not let the guilt eat you up too bad. That guilt is only there because of some false social programming. If you were out spending your kids child support on gambling or strippers, then you should feel guilty.

Oddly, the men I know who would spend their child support on strippers and gambling never felt the least bit guilty.
 
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