When To Tell Her That You're Seeing Other Women As Well?

Gulliver

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I tried to find a blog post on BDB's site about when to tell her that you are seeing other girls but I couldn't. I remember Caleb mentioning it in one of the blog posts that when he started out his non-monogamous lifestyle he tried to tell the girls upfront with no success. But then I don't know what he found out what's the best approach to this? Perhaps he has a blog post on this, if so could you link it for me? What's your personal approach?
 

lenox

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Because you NEVER tell her

You convey it, but never outright tell her directly

This is why you are jocular around her, why you're busy, why you hint that you're dating other women

In my case, I never tell a girl anything until she brings it up. It's not a big deal, unless I make it a big deal. Women purposely won't ask certain questions because of this.

Likewise, when they do ask in the indirect ways they do, I respond just as indirectly in my playful way.

Me and Caleb have written about this:


 

Gulliver

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Right, interesting approach. Does this work with situations where she actually lives with you? Like BD does? I thought Pink Firefly must have been told this a bit more directly once she moved in?
 

danwan

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Right, interesting approach. Does this work with situations where she actually lives with you? Like BD does? I thought Pink Firefly must have been told this a bit more directly once she moved in?
Of course. You would never move in with a woman or make her an OLTR if she doesn't know it and is fine with it for a long time already.
You have the Talk where you tell her to your not a monogamous man. And you then also have the OLTR talk later, where you explain that again.

Get the open relationship book, it's all explained there.

Cheers
Dan
 

lenox

Caveman lenox
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Right, interesting approach. Does this work with situations where she actually lives with you
Yes same approach. You don't make it a point of clarification until she brings it up first. Before then there are a series of ways to tell her indirectly as outlined in the links and books.

Nothing is a topic of discussion. You live your life the way you want. You invite her to join you. She agrees or leaves. If you are happy with your life, and how you live it, never compromise or negotiate. There's plenty of small things worth giving wiggle room on, but the core things that ensure your longterm happiness are not up for discussion.
 

Gulliver

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Yes same approach. You don't make it a point of clarification until she brings it up first. Before then there are a series of ways to tell her indirectly as outlined in the links and books.

Nothing is a topic of discussion. You live your life the way you want. You invite her to join you. She agrees or leaves. If you are happy with your life, and how you live it, never compromise or negotiate. There's plenty of small things worth giving wiggle room on, but the core things that ensure your longterm happiness are not up for discussion.
Thanks! So when dating a new woman, you never tell her upfront you're nonmonogamy. Just give hints?
 

lenox

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You never tell a women anything about you life period. You never tell anyone about your life just because.

Access to you is a privilege that people must earn. Even then, no one needs to know your affairs.

You don't hint at it either. You just live your life and it thus attracts the people who will respect you for it, whle repelling those who don't. Win-Win.

So you live our life on your terms and manage it however you like. You spend time with people, and they may get curious so like the links say, you give them indirect answers.

People don't care about what you do, they care about how you handle yourself in general, and psecifally how you handle your relationship with them. Let them know you are in control of yourself and your life. That's it.

Discretion and concealment is power.

Again all of this in Caleb's work, but it's not laid out as I've shared here.
 

Gulliver

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Thanks for this, sounds very simple indeed. I just never lived my life like this. I thought that being direct and upfront is a virtue.

I'm talking about polygamy publicly on my youtube channel and it's stated in my profile as well that I'm polygamous. There's another guy, who is also very upfront about this, called Hondo Solomon. And he has a harem.
 

Gulliver

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Hmm. I never in my life ever communicated indirectly. And I hate the idea of it.
Not saying it's wrong, I just don't know what to do with myself.
 

lenox

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Hmm. I never in my life ever communicated indirectly. And I hate the idea of it.
What makes you say that?

Seems like working for some to be upfront about it.
Everything works for someone. Thing is, does it work for you? If not then Caleb's approach will suit you until you tailor your own method (if it ever comes to that at all).
 

lenox

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I feel it's not masculine, it's not me, it's someone else in disguise.
Let's frame this properly because it's in fact ultra-masculine because it's human.

When a man is in a given situation, he takes stock of the environment and himself to the context. Then he acts accordingly to reach his goals with the least friction possible.

That's what ALL this work is helping men to understand.

What do we KNOW about men and women.

Men communicate directly as you and I enjoy. Makes life easier, even when dealing with non-leading men.

Women communicate indirectly. It's a biological drive to endear men to them and keep her safe. She needs the man nad he must be strongest of the lot she has to choose from. Thus she uses indirect talk to challenge the man to prove his mettle. At worst he fails the test, but can take care of her children, at best he's the best of the lot, and she can trust him to take care of the family AND conquer the world like he conquers her.

That said, when talking with people, you have to speak their language. Speak to men in their way to get what you want with them. Speak to women in their way to also get what you want.

You have a choice. Complain and keep losing and lose more and faster? OR Accept people for who they are, know your audience and act accordingly?

Choose wisely, and you'll never want for much in your life.
 

Gulliver

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Right. Thanks for explaining all that. Do you think that men had to do this before feminism? Or is this tactic a new thing that men need to implement due to feminism?
 

lenox

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Do you think that men had to do this before feminism?
I guess I haven't introduced myself to you yet. Feel free to introduce yourself here so others can get to know you better: https://alpha20community.com/index.php?threads/new-member-introductions.19/post-19

As for me?

I study human biology. What drives us in spite of human attempts to control Nature. I then translate these facts to the modern day. I omit the irrelevant, and apply accordingly the stuff that has value for us all. That way men today can thrive instead of just survive.

I am Caveman lenox, the Modern Cavemen. Pleasure to meet you.

So yes, all that I say goes beyond something as shallow as "fake-feminisim". What I described is in you and every man, as well as, all women.

Don't beat yourself up over this fact. Instead learn it, apply it, master it. Then use it ALL to your advantage.

Leave the depression and complaining to the Moan-Ass-Fear guys on social media who only scratch the surface of what you're learning in here. You have Great things to accomplish and can eliminate their distracting fuckery at the wayside.
 

Gulliver

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Will do the intro thing.

You gave me an indirect answer :)

I guess you mean men didn't have to do this before feminism. But now here we are we have to adopt. Is that your point?
 
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